


you be the anchor that keeps my feet on the ground (i'll be the wings that keep your heart in the clouds)

by thesky810



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Drug Addiction, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Harry Dies, Harry Has Issues, Homophobic Language, M/M, Summary, Synesthesia, and he is a drug addict, at dusk, demons laugh, harrys in love with louis, he has a disorder, i didnt write this, i hope i managed it, im only the messenger, it hurts, it was like love at first sight, its a translation bc it fucked me all up and i want the whole world to know it and be fucked up too, its called, its fluff but hurtful, its not my fault, its sad guys, its translated from turkish, just so you know, look it up before you start reading, lots of metaphor, lots of sadness, louis cant save him, louis cries, louis rides bicycle all the time, metaphor thoughts, some homophobia included, synesthesia is so sad im speechless at this point, tell me if theres any mistake, umm i dontwanna say it but harry dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-31
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-08-12 04:26:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7920457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesky810/pseuds/thesky810
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything has a colour.<br/>Every colour has a shape.<br/>Every shape has an odour.<br/>Every odour has a taste.<br/>Every taste has a number.</p>
<p>But you, Louis Tomlinson, you are a rainbow, with all the odours, taste and colours, in short, everything. And that drives me crazy.<br/>//</p>
<p>
  <i>harry falls in love with louis, louis with harry too; but harry cant stop adding tattoos on his arm.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Louis 101

**Author's Note:**

  * For [my princess buflu](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=my+princess+buflu).
  * A translation of [Synesthesia || Larry Stylinson](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/225691) by LorryDorry. 



I am Harold Styles.

When I wake up, I usually feel like yellow. Tired but bright.

I opposed to my teachers when they told me 3+5 was not black. Because 8 is white, 3+5 is black.

The voice of blue is always peaceful; the smell of peace is sweet.

For example, the colour orange is in love with the velvety circle.

The taste of death is bitter.

My math teacher stinks of sweat so the math lesson is sweaty.

My lucky number is green. And green falls head over heels for 4.

The voice of violin is always triangle.

The Si note is red while Tuesday is a sexy square woman.

But you, Louis Tomlinson,

You smell grey; your eyes are tranquillity; your thin lips are 1. Your voice is round, hands the same colour as your eyes and your laugh is my lucky green.

While in pieces, you’re reminding me lots of things by wrapping yourself up to the rainbow yet you don’t ring mean bell as a whole. Louis Tomlinson, I can’t say you are this or you are that and it makes me go into hysterics.

Beside you, I will learn how a notion which I have never thought before makes me feel. By the way, feelings are a music lesson that is fun to listen.

_Love. That’s what you’re going teach me Tomlinson. Then I’ll be able to define you as a whole._

* * *

 

 

 


	2. yellow

 

I woke up trembling. The only thing I see is eternal blue. Challenging my resisting eyes, I continued on watching the sky carefully. Normally they would get teary when I gazed at the sky with naked eyes. This time, though, I was determined to keep it on and I was yellow like in every morning. Tiny bit tired.

When I straightened up, not only I picked up the smell of grass but I also had the flavour too. Well, I didn’t pluck some grass and shove it into my mouth. It was sour. I challenged the sky when I was dashing away my tears. One day, _I will defeat you._

Crossed my legs, I couldn’t help but thinking while waiting for the others to wake up. About my life, my friends, my right and wrongs. Mum must have been sick worried about me, considering that I had spent the night outside and did not answer her calls. I stared at my arm which I had been trying to hide with tattoos. I should have been furious with myself. I diced with death just to have a make a difference in my routine life. One day, I’ll be out of luck.

“Hey, Harold.” I turned my head to the voice. Adam was touching his forehead. “I don’t remember anything of the last night. Fuck.” I could anticipate the pain on his mind. In the end, if we wanted to run to a dead end, we had to pay the price.

And the price whom everyone was paying in this road was: headache with a lack of memory. I’ve gotten used to pay the price. “Neither do I.” I replied and finally I could hear my voice outside of my mind. I pointed my finger to Jeff who was lying on a bench with his underwear on his ankles. “I think I fucked him.” Our laughter broke the silence and made the rest wake up. I was kidding, of course I didn’t fuck Jeff. Although If I did, I wouldn’t be judged much.

 

//

 

“What are we doing now?” I took my fingers to my eyes and seperated my eyelashes by rubbing them.

“Why don’t we try to go home?”

“Why don’t you try?” I snapped back and Grace rolled her eyes. He meant all of us but I didn’t want to go home.

“Let’s rent some bicycles.” I figured it out why I wanted to drag Adam to the wrong side. His sense of humour and advice were like mine.

We set on the road to rent the bicycles. Adam, Jeff with his underwear down, Grace with a ginger flavour, Luce whose voice reminds me of triangle-which I don’t like triangles- and me.

 

//

 

We rent nearly all of the bicycles. Two bicycles. There were only two bicycles in the enormous shop. Someone must have acted earlier than us. Luckily, there were metal surfaces behind the seats for another to sit on. So that only one person had to keep going on foot.

A huge disturbance occurred. Everything would be more understandable if there weren’t too many triangles. If only the flirting squares and rounds would disappear. “I’ll just ask whether that lad would join us, alright?” We all approved Jess by nodding. While he was approaching that guy, I put my hands on my pockets. The rhythm I created with my feet helped me focus my attention.

Then I was distracted.

“Hi.” That high pitch reminded me of birds. The birds were beautiful. Beautiful is… Experiencing confusion, my brain was trying to come up with an equivalent of the word beautiful. His eyes were blue. He was sending me the peace in surges. I was pleased by this. It didn’t take me much to realise it when everyone gave me their attention.

“Hi.” I replied and smiled. I pressed my lips together but had difficulty in lifting them up. _**How is this considered as a smile?**_

 

//

 

Everyone got along and had their places on the bicycles. They even decided my spot too. To be honest, I was a bit grumpy but like I said, I was yellow in the morning. So heedlessly, I sat on the metal surface behind the seat.

My driver was him.

I watched the domination he had on the bicycle, the way his bum sat on the seat. The wind was running across our faces, so it helped me taste his smell. It was grey. The quake he created in my brain was taking over my senses. I had difficulty defining him. The numbers came together and they were defying against me and it was like all the flavours lost their taste.

Tightened my grab on the metal surface, we were strolling around in the streets as a group along the bicycle road. Most of the group were yelling and dissing the people on the road recklessly. I drew close to him, close enough for him to hear me.

 _“What was your name again?”_ I hoped he heard me because I didn’t think I’d repeat myself. The luck was on my side.

_“Louis.”_

And then I found the equivalent of beautiful. The birds were beautiful and beauty was equal to the square in velvet dress. The voice of Louis was round, flowing purely. The colour of the dress it wore was cream. Clean but blurred.

When I came home, I ignored the lack of the lights, got to my room that I memorised. I thought about the whole day while throwing myself on the bed. Another extraordinary day in my routine life. Staying away from him all day, not talking, I made sure that the only time we engaged in a conversation was me asking his name.

With his blue eyes, high pitched voice and grey odour, he was bright. I grabbed the blanket swinging at the edge of the bed and wrapped myself with it. _**He was like yellow, bright.**_


	3. blue

The bell ringing made me pull away from my dreams that I was creating in my mind for the whole lesson. I was in the middle of nowhere. Everywhere was green except the sky, which was more blue than it could ever be. I was running like a little child and trying to fly my kit as high as I could. Actually I was trying to reach the blue. I was actually aching for peace and wanted to hide there forever. In the arms of the blue.

After placing all my books, I hanged my backpack on my one shoulder and left the class. The corridor was so empty I thought I was the last one to leave the school, which was for the best. Silence.

“Harold, tell me, what is the shape you’re seeing now?” Over the hand which reached out to my shoulder, I looked to the way the sound was coming from. Those tactless jokes were going to be the death of me someday.

“Go fuck yourself, Adam.” I ignored him and went to the school yard. I wasn’t seeing the shapes all the time as they thought I was. I was just blessed by God. _Which one of you were able to see the blue of your favourite song anyway?_

I approached the group at the yard. The whole gang was there, except me. Only Grace noticed me when I was right beside them. After she offered me the cigarette trapped between her fingers, I made clear that I didn’t want it. Okay, I might have been drawing my own way to darkness but smoking was not my thing. I was snooping around but my ears were focused on what they were saying unintentionally.

“Everyday, he rents a bicycle and has a tour around, huh? He actually bothers himself to do it?”

“Exactly. Lads, i’d prefer have someone fuck me rather than cycle every single day.”

“Cycle or not, but Harry would fuck you with pleasure.”

Adam was on me all the time today. But I had a laugh anyway. I wouldnt be offended by stuff like this. Everyone was cracking laughter, Luce granted me her thinnest triangle. That was her highest pitched voice. _And I dont like triangles._

“Who are you talking about?” I asked and hoped I’d get an answer. Grace answered me while she dropped the cigarette end to the floor, putting it down under her shoe: “That boy from yesterday.” She seemed like she started to think, or remember. “Got it. They’re talking about Louis. Jeff stepped in to take his friendship further.”

I felt pain in my stomach that was impossible to define, or whose definition I dont have in my vocabulary. 2 days passed after that. I nodded, raising my eyebrows. Then we all left the yard, scattered to our homes.

 

//

 

The bottom was covered in the darkest tone of black. And I was falling at full speed. I didnt feel like yelling, or making it stop. The closer I got to the bottom inch by inch, the more difficulty I had looking around. This well was both my forever and end. After moaning in pain, I looked at the machine, of which the needles were stinging my arm. I was having another tattoo on my arm. Inside my elbow. The place where the veins were visible. It was what dragging me to darkness.

The sunrays were now completely brightening the sky. And I was at a familiar place. The bicycle shop. I was watching when the man was putting the cycles out one by one. According to Jeff, he was about to be here soon.

When I looked at my stinging arm, I got curious about my tattoo. God knows which tattoo I had picked from the catalog this time. I was dizzy, my head wasnt clear and to be honest I picked nearly all my tattoos when I was tipsy.

The familiar voice. The cream round on velvet dress. That voice I would recognise wherever I was. I turned my head towards the shop while standing up from the bench. His hair was messy again, he completed his grey shirt with a loose short. He gave the money to the man and approached his bicycle to release the lock. I thought why I was here. He had the answer, not me.

I made my way towards him, said “Hi!” while keeping my distance. He must have heard me, it took him just seconds to turn his head. I looked at his face. His newly formed stubble, his thin lips wrapped in the paleness of the morning and his eyes...Blue. The blue of peace.

He got the answer, you know. I was here because I wanted to hide in the arms of blue, like the kite I dreamed of. Peace.


	4. grey

One week.

The bicycle routes every morning, early.

_I am really eager, really eager for this. Eager for the things I will do with him. I am just embracing it ardently._

One week.

For example, I am talking to him. Our communication is extremely strong. I love his voice, it reminds me of a round in a velvet dress. Like cream the colour. Clear but blurred.

_Clear, he warms me. Always reflects his all emotions and opinions._

_Blurred, I can’t decide what I am feeling. This is sweet like the dominance he has on his bicycle, but bitter as our falling down from it._

This time, we had our tour for an earlier time. And he had a bicycle to his own now. The sunrays hadnt fallen to the city and the lights hadnt stopped their shifts yet. I got out. He was waiting for me.

He had wrapped a rag around his head to get rid of his fringe of his face. His stubble, grown after the weekend made him manly. But the cuffed jeans he had worn were that far from it. I liked that about him, neutralising himself.

He greeted me with a goodmorning when I was taking my place behind him. And there were another conversations in which I wanted to be behind. I grinned at my own thought unintendedly and greeted him the same: “Good morning even thought it’s still dawn.”

“The atmosphere is lovelier that way, I think.” He replied and started pedalling. We started again. It was like flying on the ground, riding the cycles. “The darkness scatters with the sun coming, and sky declares its love to the sun, by bringing the dawn.”

“Every single day?” My voice made it like I was asking a question. Even though for a time, I couldnt compherend what Louis said; I realised he associated to a battle. The darkness capturing the sky and the sun saving it every single day, it seemed a little bit absurd to me.

“Every single day.” He confirmed me. I was able to see the odour flowing from his hair while the wind was moving towards us. It reflected a relief, his hair, had a smell that made people drowsy. Like grey. I came a little bit closer and tightened my arms that tangled his body. I had to get all my rights from the grey.

“Do you have a lover, Harold?”

“No. Do you?”

“No.”

I didnt insist on asking why because my brain was caught up in the fact that he didnt have a lover. That made me happy.

We sat down on a bench after the tour, watched the sun saving the sky, together.

 

//

 

The coldness of the weather was penetrating my skin while I was making my way to the place the group was going to meet at. I wrapped myself to my jacket little bit more and tightened my olive drab coloured bandana.

A heavy smell of smoke welcomed me when I stepped in. And temperature was rather warmer than outside. The place was like drowning in the smoke of cigarettes. I hated this shit.

But I loved _that shit._ I ignored the trembles on my skin. It might have been a result of the temperature, _but it wasn’t._

“Is it ready?” I asked Grace. She nodded and gathered the stuff. When I took my spot, I sensed the smell of something familiar. Louis’ smell was on my clothes and every time I moved, the grey particles were scattering. I got jealous. His smell belonged to me.

When Grace placed the materials on my arm, Louis’ words came to my mind.

_“The darkness scatters with the sun coming, and sky declares its love to the sun, by bringing the dawn.”_ I threw my head backwards, again ignored the little bite on my skin. I was getting lost in the darkness. _He is the only one who can save me from the darkness and introduce me to the light._

**_Really though, would he do this without being tired? Would he save me over and over again, every day?_ **


	5. hands

He was one of us, something inside me. Louis started to hang out with us. So I could see him after the school as well, not just in the mornings. He is older, not in high school.

But I wanted him just to be mine. I wanted him to talk to only me, see only me. Only I could sense his grey odour. I am a little selfish, and jealous of you Louis.

“Every day, you come to school with messy hair and dizzy face, Harold. Tell me, which faggot do you fuck every night?” Adam was still on me, as always. But he shouldn’t have done it. Not when next to him. Feeling Louis’ eyes on me, I took another sip from my beer and wiped my lips with the back of my hand.

“I don’t think he is a _faggot_.” I replied and pointed Louis with my eyes. Then I mouthed a curse on Adam. “Asshole.” And then, Adam cracked a laugh. He loved driving me mad. Bastard.

While Louis continued staring at me with a frown, Jeff cared to explain: “Harold loves fucking people the same sex."

God, why do people love using this fuck word so much? Even though I tried to avoid any eye contact with him, I could feel him glancing over me. He was obviously going to run away from me, thinking I wanted to fuck him. There was no such a thing like that. Except, I wanted…

“He loves people with the same sex.” I smiled when felt Grace’s hand on my shoulder. I was looking for the right word and Grace helped me like an angel from above. I wanted to love him. Love Louis.

After leaving the beer bottle on the table, I got out from the place. Their and Louis’ looks were too much to handle. Or the smoke. I felt I could breathe a lot better outside, I leaned against the wall and tried to breathe deeply.

There was something else in the weather. Like grey. I realised my senses didn’t trick me when I opened my eyes. Only he could smell like grey. Because I looked right at his face without saying anything, he initiated the conversation:

“I think I am a _faggot_.”

His eyes, his face seemed happy. He was smiling and looking at me. Maybe there was a bit of shyness. I thought I could watch him all day like this. I was observing his every move like it was a blessing. He came close, leaned his back against the wall too. I turned my head when I sensed a heat on my hand. He grabbed my hand, it was in his now.

His hands were blue, just like his eyes. I was drowning in the peace.

 

//

 

“Grace is waiting for us at the place.” yelled Jeff. He was leading, behind him Adam and triangle Luce and at last, Louis and me. Holding hands, like we are embracing the peace.

“I love your hands.” he said and rested his head on my shoulder because he was slightly shorter than me. He kept on talking when I didnt reply. “The way you grab my hand feels good.”

I smiled and tightened my hold as a reply.

“FUCK!” Luce’s triangle voice made me anxious for the first time. I was so under Louis’ spell that I couldnt realise we arrived at the place.

I ran into the garbage like place. I had difficulty seeing around because of the damn smoke. I tried to scatter it by waving my hands. I saw Adam, whispering to Luce while caressing her shoulder and approached that way. I could feel Louis following me behind. I could see Jeff after stepping up. He was on his knees.

Grace.

Her locks were on the ground, like swooping the floor. I remember her wheat-skinned but she had a pale white face now. Her eyebags were purple, brown eyes stoned. She had those bruises on her arm? Was she dead? Were they the bruises that killed her? Damn, I loved that girl. I loved her attitudes, being in her own bubble, the way she didnt talk much, smoking all the time.

I saw Jeff crying, my head was ringing with Luce waffling about something with her cracked voice and Adam who was mumbling to relax her. Grace’s soulless body was vibrating in my mind. I was confused and this confusion was about to kill me.

I left the place, much like running away. Some fresh air and I would be fine. I put my hands on my knees and get down. I tried to breathe deeply to regulate my respiration.

Grace left.

Adam was going to leave.

Jeff, Luce, all of them were going to leave.

I was going to leave too.

He’d come with me, if I asked Louis. But he should not. I looked at my arm, covered with tattoos. I wondered when they would take me. When would the reason of this hidden bruises make me leave? I was terrified.

“Harold.” He said, breathlessly. It was then I was convinced. His beautiful voice should never be erased from this world. He shouldnt leave.

I got up and hugged him. I guess it was filled with heaviest emotions, setting me from all my fears and worrying thoughts. I held his hand, preventing him from saying something and started to walk. Hoping he would keep up with me. I didnt know where to go but I was walking anyway. And here he was, keeping the pace.

His hands were a cage, imprisoning the peace. I, a bird. If I was to find peace, I’d be more than willing to live in that cage. His hands were in the same colour as his eyes and his eyes were the colour of peace. Blue. I was a boy, flying my kite into the blue.

Would he save me from the darkness, sheltering me under his blue?


	6. four

Everybody has a lucky number. They find it either in a game they have played or the zodiac books. Mine is 4 and I found it during my attempt(s) of kissing Louis.

Yeah, I tried to kiss him 4 times. In this greenery with a marvellous scenery. We were talking, lying down the grass. Together. I had forbidden talking about the death of Grace, regardless of one week passing. Because talking about it was giving a bitter taste in my mouth, my throat.

_The taste of death is bitter._

I rested my hands on his while I was looking straight ahead at the sky from where I was lying from. I was literally gonna puke tranquillity. Before being killed by the owner of those bruises on my arm, I’d much prefer Louis would kill me with the peace he blessed on me. I knew Grace was waiting for me, and I was going to wait Adam, Jeff and Luce. _I cant wait._

“I cant believe I’m that attached to you so fast.” He let his words float in the air. I turned on my left arm and put my elbow on the grass, rested my head on my palm. My other hand was in his. He was so beautiful, enough to make butterflies jealous. His blue eyes penetrating mines, silky skin and features. His little nose, stubbles just came out and his thin lips. I leaned forwards. I had been dreaming about this; kissing him to get a taste of heaven.

“I am a drug.” I said, he turned his head just as I was touching his lips. So that, my third attempt failed.

“Grace died of it. Even the joke of it is terrible.” He replied, ignoring me and getting his back up. His face had just introduced me to the tones of happiness but now it changed into a serious look. I wasnt enjoying his serious mood. He should have been happy. And now I should have punished myself with a slap for dampening his spirits.

“Its been one week. You can feel the emptiness even though she wasnt much of a talker, right?” He turned his blue eyes. I was confronted with the question I wanted to avoid for the time being. I just nodded. Now my face must have been changed into a serious look. I should have punished him with a kiss.

“Why would anyone use drugs anyway?”

“Drugs,” I opened my lips and pulled his knees to my torso. “At first make you happy. Then they turn to a need only. And the person is so bored from the routine that he or she risks his or her whole life, just to be happy for once.”

“Humans are so ungrateful.” He said, tightened his hold of my hand. With his other hand, he began to caress my arms. Sometimes he was going circle, sometimes just stroking lightly just like the way waves stroke the beach. I was enjoying it. “People are selfish. They dont appreciate their lives and make themselves believe theyre not happy. But, theres not such a thing to make them feel that way. Waiting for happiness, or for someone to change their lives damage them. This is such a damage that, it takes away their beloved ones along with them.”

I just nodded and continued watching the scenery, evergreen grass surrounding us. I weighed his words. Was I selfish? Was I taking my family with me to the darkness I was falling into? That was certainly no my wish. I loved mum and Gemma.

And I loved Louis. I felt like I was drowning in selfishness and hated myself. It was a curiosity, my addiction, which came along with my adolescence and turned into selfishness.

“Youre using it.”He yelled, got up. My now empty hand fell to the grass, I turned my head to him. He was standing still and biting his index finder. I looked at him, frowning.

“Don’t look at me like that.” He said, he looked like he was freaking out. “Isn’t that why your arm is covered with tattoos?”

I nodded, desperately. I didn’t feel like talking, couldn’t find any word to deny what he just said. Which, denying wasn’t in my book anyways. I didn’t like the scars needle was leaving on my skin, it wasn’t looking good so I found it reasonable to beautify them with tattoos.

“Okay,” he gulped, went on glancing at me. “Since when?”

“Last year.” I confessed. The desperation in his eyes was destroying my peaceful mood and, believe me, it stuck in my throat. “There is no reason for you to use it.” I stood up. I opposed him. “I am selfish.” And gave a shrug. “You’re such a dumb ass.”

He hissed and in my eyes, it made him extremely hot. “Maybe I am.” I said. I knew he was getting crazy because I was calm but pulling grass wasn’t for me.

“Drop it. Stop using it.” He surrendered. His voice was filled with pain. “Stop using it. We can see a doctor; we can do something. We can…” He was murmuring advices one after another. It was a sad scene.

“Come here.” I grabbed his arm, and hugged him tight. It was like all the bad emotions and feelings were scattering away, breaking the seal of the curse. When I let go, I looked at the look of his face I could never describe.

“Grace…” I didn’t let him go on and pressed my lips on his. I felt the butterflies in my stomach, like people say and they blocked my air channel, suffocating me. But I wasn’t dying. Maybe soon, I will grow wings and become a butterfly. In a lifespan of one day, Louis was the person to make me live years. He was going to save me and turn to darkness into light.

I was successful at my 4th attempt. 4 was surrounded with green. And Louis’ kiss was a luck. _A luck that brings me to life._

I stepped back. “Make me stop.” I said. He was looking at me with confusion. “I will do what you say and you are going to save me.” I again pressed my lips to his, like I just found a treasure. He was the one to step back this time, continuing my sentence:

_“Or we both die.”_


	7. butterfly

We both had two bicycles now.

I used to wake up in the place but ever since I’d met him, I had been waking up early. At home. Then we would tour the city. Together.

The second bicycle was doing us good but I wasn’t glad. I couldn’t cuddle his body, I couldn’t smell his grey flowing from his hair.

The sun was smiling at us; the birds were singing. Cliché. _The birds are beautiful. So is Louis’ voice._

I began to watch him. It was as if I should be sightseeing him, not the city. His basketball short made him look smaller. He was paddling, it was like he was going along with a melody. You would adore the way he asserted dominance over the handlebars. I cursed. The bicycle was closer to him than I was to him.

Louis said he would help me but instead, he put a wall between us. I was getting cold.

He was holding the handlers tight. I couldn’t help thinking: “I wish there was something of mine in his hands, instead of the handlers.”

I wasn’t able to see his face because I was going behind him, a consequence of laziness. I paddled so much that I was sure I had the muscles of a soccer player.

I stopped when I recognised a familiar shop on the way. I wanted to get a tattoo. But not my arms this time.

“Louis!” I yelled, he stepped on the brakes and stopped the bicycle, looked at me. His blue eyes were destroying the evil in me. I was softened and smiled at him bittersweetly.

“I want to get a tattoo.”

“Did you use?” It was the first thing to come to his mind but hearing his voice cheered me up. He was a poker face now, no expression on his face. His eyes weren’t telling anything, lips rigid. The number of his lips was 1. I would always get hungry when reading book because every word had a taste. Louis’ lips were worth a book. I was starving.

“Not the arm.” I rolled my eyes and went for the shop.

All I could think about was the feeling of being tickled while the needle was penetrating my skin. Little bit of tingling was inevitable. _No more pain._

I looked at him. He was killing me with his blue eyes, trying to tell me what he thought. He seemed like managing it. He could make me feel that he was growing cold on me. He wasn’t laughing beside me now; my ears were aching for his laughter. I forgot the last time we touched. He had said he would save me; I don’t want to be saved. I don’t want him to treat me like that.

I got back when my torso got wrapped up and wore the shirt I had taken off. A butterfly tattoo, just above my abdomen. He was wondering what it meant but I wasn’t going to tell him. Where I had the tattoo on was the place I felt the attacks the most intense, when Louis and I kissed. The attacks weren’t lethal; they were breathtakingly beautiful. I was a butterfly. In the one day I was granted, I had Louis who handed me an infinite.

 

//

 

I got out of the house because with that much of trembling, I could get caught by anyone in it. I was so hot, also broke out in cold sweat. And trembling like a cell phone.

The last time I saw Louis this morning, we didn’t see each other again after leaving the tattoo place. It was certain that he left me alone and tried to get me accustomed to it. Without him, I’m deprived of all the peace and beauty. Louis had everything in him, like a rainbow. He was person to be admired.

I was like composing melodies when I was with him. The way I hold his hand, look into his eyes, hug him and kiss him. When I did all of those things, it was as if I discovered a new song.

It was as if our music teacher was teaching us about legendary bands.

Or as if our literature teacher was commenting at the end of the class: “And this is love, guys.”

Or as if a fandom was screeching about their band: “They’re my babies!”

_And I am Harold Styles. My word for love is only Louis. My word for passion is only Louis. The only reality I know is Louis. The only thing I want to feel is Louis. The things God described as sin or good deed are Louis._

_Louis Tomlinson, you are a rainbow. You come out to warm me up after I’m soaked to my skin. The thing you taught me is love. Like a meal that I still remember its delicious taste after eating._

When I entered the place I memorise, smoke welcomed me in. I was waving it by my hand while approaching the group. They were all here, except Grace. Don’t worry Grace, we’re going to make a team soon enough. “Gather the stuff,” I told the gang, said hi to Adam. I wiped my forehead with my trembling hand, and sat on rather distanced armchair. Jeff was looking at me while patting my back.

“I can handle it myself.” I said, pat his back as a reply. He nodded and left. I wrapped the elastic band around my arm, tightly.

I was out of my mind. All I wanted was to get rid of trembling, and thinking too much. I set up the dose and grabbed my phone. I was setting out for the trip and I needed to make a phone call.

“Harold?” The moment I heard his voice, I broke out into tears. I wasn’t myself.

“It’s not the same every time you use, you know. The previous dose doesn’t satisfy you anymore. You increase the amount the next time, every time.”

“Harold, are you alright?” His voice came out as worried. Was this worry for me? I sniffed and closed my tearful eyes. One close and two tears.

“I’m at the last dose.” I groaned.

“Don’t.” He said. It was raspy now. “Did you hear me?”

“I am a butterfly.” I said, crying. It was hard for me to do this farewell.

“Don’t.” His voice cracked.

“Don’t cry, Louis.” I said. His eyes shouldn’t be closed with tears. They should give peace, _like blue._

“Please don’t.” He sniffled. “Where are you, baby?”

“I’m in the darkness and I know you don’t want to come along Louis.” My body trembled more at every second, devoting itself to this shit. _I am in need of it, my brain, my veins._

“You’re at the place, right?” It was clear that he was trying to calm himself down, but all I could think that we had grown apart.

“You’re such a liar!” I yelled. I was sobbing now, tears touching my heart. “You said you’d save me. You’re building a wall between us.”

“I can’t do it!” His yell was more like scream. He was ripping me out. I needed his arms, his smell, his lips and blue eyes. “This is, this is too much, this responsibility. I can’t handle it Harold. You’re becoming skin and bones in front of me, it kills me.” His voice was cracking towards the end, it calmed me down. _So be it, the words I wanted to throw may stay._

“I’m at the place.” I confessed. I did not want any help. I’m no different than the depressed teens, I’m not myself. _This brain, telling me to do the shot isn’t mine._

“I’m on my way.”

“Are you ready? To see me lying on the floor? My eye bags purple. My green eyes won’t be showing any life. My skin pale than ever?”

“Shut your fucking mouth!” He yelled again, so high. I was never a satisfied person, I was selfish. Who knows, how many people’s souls I’d bring along. I was the darkness. Darkness is scary, has no taste.

“I love you.” I said. _“Be a sun and save the sky but this this time, darkness acts faster than you.”_

The only reply I got was sobs. I could picture him, the tears streaming down. _If only he knew how much it hurts me._

“Please stop.” He whispered.

“Tell me you love me.”

“If I say, will you stop?”

“No.” I said. I couldn’t stop now. “It’s taking over me. I’m sweating so much.”

“Then I won’t tell.” Him thinking he still had a chance made me smile.

“Thank you.” I said. Because I owed it to him. I had learned everything from him. My body discovered new touches with him. I loved all of him. However, his lips were going to be the thing I would ache for the most. _God, I hope there’s an afterlife. That’s my only solace._

“I love you.” I repeated, tightened the band more and put the phone on the desk without closing it. I looked at my arm but couldn’t pick up the veins. I grabbed the syringe. The last dose, the golden shot. The virus that would snatch me off from everything.

Me, in the end, destroying myself.

I didn’t say goodbye and the pain that used to be a sting now was screaming. I hit the darkness. I threw my head backwards to rest my head on the wall. My trembling was going down. My mind made no sense of talking, at the end it stopped making sense. I closed my eyes. The regret was too much, leaving Louis behind and for dragging Adam along.

“I love you Harold.” I smiled at his voice. The last voice I’d hear should have come from him. His words.

“I’m scared.” I whispered but I was sure he didn’t hear. I was so selfish that at my last moment, I wanted him to come with me. I wanted to be caged by his hands, smelling of peace. I was scared. I didn’t know what would happen. When I started to lose my senses, I thought:

_God, I hope you love me back._

* * *

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that was the last chapter. It ends.
> 
> Theres still an epilogue though?


	8. Harold Styles

* * *

* * *

 

_Wasn’t grey your favourite smell, my darling?_

_Forgive me for having brought jasmine flowers the first time I came to you. Because, you know, they don’t smell like me._

_I asked the florist not to bind them this time. Because I don’t want to put them on the stone like that. They look better when scattered. I’m sure they will suit their new place._

_And forgive me for coming after months, darling. Believe me, it takes much courage. It took me long to pull myself together._

_I continue to our tours we did every morning. Everywhere reminds me of you Harold. This whole city we memorised together. It’s like as if you are always following me and going to say you’re having another tattoo to hide your blown, purple veins._

_I’m not using, Harold. It did occur to me to use after you. But I didn’t do it. I really wasn’t ready to see you like that. Your eye bags purple, green eyes not showing any life and your skin pale than ever. But, believe me my love, you were still looking so mesmerising._

_Adam, Jeff and Luce are fine, always beside me. Adam is really a good friend. Tell me, how is Grace?_

_Harold, I wonder something. I see you in my dreams because of this. You said you were scared. Did you mean it? Please, please tell me you weren’t. I didn’t want you to be scared baby._

_To be honest, I’m so scared without you Harold. I can hear your purple smell every night. Yes, you have a colour of your smell too. Enchanting purple._

_You know, you were the person who described me the best during this life of mine. The best, the most beautiful, the weirdest. For example, no one ever told me my hands were the same colour as my eyes, my lips number 1 and my voice a round in a velvet dress. I am really thankful._

_I don’t know what I should say, really. I don’t want to cry; I came here to give you the peace again. But I miss you, Harold. So much. I sit and try to fulfil my longing, thinking of you for hours and hours. I look at your photos. It makes me miss you more. Because I am really aching for your laugh._

_Photographs are just a mock-up. No reality. I can’t see your eyes filled with emotions when you used to look at me._

_And God knows, darling, I could come along. We could bring the dawn and save the sun. The darkness would scatter as long as we were together._

_I want you to be my golden shot, Harold._

Louis wiped his tears with his long sleeve and began to lay down the flowers on the marble stone. His tears were falling like the way the flowers were. He took a step back, came across the stone, his back straight. He looked at the dates, couldn’t help having another sob.

_It’s funny to me now. Who am I kidding? We all knew this was going to happen. I regret it. For not saving you and for not wrapping you up in me, in peace._

_I have to go now. I will come back, I promise. But could you come tonight this time? The books are tasteless without you reading them._

* * *

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**Author's Note:**

> to see its original, go to wattpad and you can see it in @LorryDorry 's account! I'm so happy and grateful because when i asked her to translate her beautiful story, she let me right away.! I hope you enjoyed it like I did (joke, i was sobbing and i didnt enjoy. at all.). Death was inevitable. 
> 
> Dont do drugs, pals. You might find someone perfect as Louis and lose him during your youth. Sorry, but thats what I learned from this fiction. 
> 
> I hope I could translate it succesfully. Please let me know if there's any logical or grammatical error. Thank you for reading and thanks @LorryDorry for letting me do it. And buflu, my best friend. basically i thank you for everything, why not this too?
> 
> (and the title of the work is also a title of a song by Mayday Parade)


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